1) Say you’re reading a non-romance novel text. (For example: a mystery, instruction manual, or tax return.) Do you ALWAYS think:
a) Who’s the love interest here?
b) When’s the first sex scene happening? We’re long overdue.
c) I never think these things. If it ain’t romance—I ain’t reading it.
2) When watching a dispute of some kind on a TV show (For example: a drama, a reality TV show, or news show) do you ALWAYS wind up thinking:
a) Why are they still fighting? Just hug her!
b) Why are they still fighting? Just kiss him now!!
c) When is this all this fighting turning into hot, dirty, make-up sex?
3) Do you buy 2, 4, 6, or 8 smutty romance novels a week?
a) Do free reads count?
b) I honestly have no idea. My husband and I have a ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ policy about how many romance novels I buy.
c) Sigh. Sometimes I feel like Amazon.com is my best friend.
4) Are you overtly aware of every small, meaningless physical gestures made by men?
a) I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that I may incriminate myself.
b) What ‘meaningless’ gestures? There are no meaningless looks, glances, or gestures. Except for the very direct stare my cat gives me. And I’m just not going to think about what that means.
c) No, because then I’d be pay attention to my husband, and I don’t want to do that right now. CAN’T YOU SEE I’M TRYING TO READ MY BOOK?!?
5) Have you read so many smutty romance novels that:
a) a smutty novel written with sex that is m/f/m/m/m/f/m/m/m/m/?/t/*/! sounds like it could be interesting. You might just order it.
b) You just did order it.
c) having your period, having sex while on your period, having sex while pregnant, one’s children interrupting sex, STD’s, and, most of all, Just Not Being In The Mood For Sex– are entirely foreign concepts. Unless we’re talking about real life. Wait—why are we talking about real life?
6) When you’ve been married for roughly a ba-jillion years, by this point can you truly NOT understand:
a) Why all your brilliant, good-hearted, yet crazy female friends are still single?
b) Why you too can’t write one of these erotic romance novels—you’ve got a ton of great ideas!
c) Why your favorite erotic romance author is slowly edging away from you at a romance conference when you confess—while grabbing handfuls of all the swag she brought—that you’re buying multiple copies of every book she’s written in case someone (your priest, your boss) wants to borrow one from you.
SCORING: Give yourself 1 point for every A answer, 2 points for every B answer, and 3 points for every *C answer.
* Give yourself 10 bonus points if you answered ‘C’ to question number six.
Over 6 Points: You my friend, are obsessed with smutty romances. But you knew that anyway, didn’t you?
Over 12 Points: Have you read my latest erotic romance? Let me post my link here.
Over 20 Points: Three words: Seek Help Now.